I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
My life is pants optional.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
