I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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