I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
