dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
