I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
