But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
