he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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