Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
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My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
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Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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