Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I need moral support for this bender
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
