after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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