Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
