I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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