Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
