i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
