Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
