The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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