The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize