i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
