i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
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Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You're like the curious george of whores
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
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What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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