as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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