yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
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It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
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I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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