You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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