Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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