i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
