you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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