On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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