haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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