Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
