I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
