I wish I could punch you in the face.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
