3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
