is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
