he puts the penis in happiness.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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