I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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