My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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