She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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