im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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