Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
