Don't make out with my wife yet
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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