i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
this boner is exhausting
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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