I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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