We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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