My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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