if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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