oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Randomize
