swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
