So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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