no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I have post one night stand depression
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