you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I don't deserve a penis
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
