Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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