i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
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