I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
