I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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