I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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