I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
