Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
