Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
