Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
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I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
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Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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