we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
