you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
